nathanr|ca

I've been reading some very old posts from my ex-girlfriend's blog.

This is something she once said to someone (she'll remember who it is when I tell her) but the advice could have been applied to myself as well as that person:

"The meat isn't getting any tender, so maybe you should stop pounding".

That's an important life lesson: to know exactly when to walk away – knowing you've said everything you can say but the person just doesn't understand where you're coming from & maybe it's time to walk away. There's a difference between making a point and beating someone over the head with it.

I've been on both sides of that fence. It's not fun. I've been the person who didn't know how to walk away as well as the person others didn't know how to walk away from.

That's a lesson I should have learned ages ago. It's never too late to learn it.

"In order to help others, you have to help yourself first."

I need to take my own advice, especially now.

I've been denying that a problem exists (with my family). I'm not going to get into specifics, though. I've mentioned it once already if you know where to look.

Since I can't do anything about it, I have no choice but to take a step back, for the sake of my sanity. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I know it has to be done. It's necessary.

“Any society begins by realizing that together, by helping each other, you can survive better than if you fight each other and compete with each other. We have the tendency to lose it when we forget that, as a group, we are stronger than we are as individuals.”

– George Lucas

Last week, I messaged an ex-girlfriend on Facebook (no names) & apologized for my part in our mutually destructive relationship, which happened several years ago.

I came to the realization that I drove her to do a lot of the things she did (even though they were they weren't necessarily the right actions to take).

I was prepared for the worst – that she wouldn't read the message. Somehow, I didn't expect her to really read it (the relationship ended that badly) Instead, she surprised me – she not only replied but agreed that both of us were to blame.

In a way, I'm proud of her for that. I'm glad she listened. She could easily have told me to piss off, right? I have a tremendous amount of respect for her & I'm very grateful.

We seem to understand each other a lot better now. This needed to happen & I'm glad it did. I hope we can become better friends.

This may be one of my flaws (or a strength, or perhaps both): I just can't let things go. I want to be able to fix everything (and everyone) – and sometimes I make things better & sometimes I make things worse. I haven't been able to truly let go of this for years.

It really hurt me that I've hurt her & I've wanted to make amends for some time – properly. I just needed to realize exactly why I did what I did. After all, an apology doesn't really have the same effect if you can't explain the reason behind your actions, right? I didn't think so either.

I guess I'm still feeling hurt from losing that friend – and yes, I know I've gained far more than I've lost. She was never really a friend, right? That doesn't help nearly as much as it should. This song sums it up… (I'm really starting to like Paramore. I know who to blame for that. Yes, I'm looking at you, Kyra.)

I'm thinking my former friend attracts jerks because she behaves like a jerk herself. She's uncaring, insensitive and doesn't take the time to really listen when she should. I'm not saying she's a jerk, though. That's how I feel. I can't judge people that way. I know I'm better than that.

I know that somewhere beneath the surface, she's a good person. It saddens me that I didn't get to know that person & I only got to know the jerk.

Like I just said on Facebook: I really want to believe that somewhere deep down, everyone is good. "Condemn the action & not the person", right? Sometimes we can't see beneath the surface because the mask they wear is too powerful.

It may be true that I've lost a friend (now it begs the question of exactly how much of a friend she was but anyway) but a few days later, I gained a kindred spirit – someone who understands me.

Last night, a friend of mine IM'd me & opened up to me. He told me about his own problems & what he's going through (and it just so happens to be the same issues I'm facing right now). We can completely relate to one another.

So that's making the best out of a bad situation. I'd say I'm pretty damned lucky.

There's something I'm going to admit to you, dear readers…

There's a part of me that I keep hidden from others. I keep it buried and I don't let anyone see. Very few people even know – I count two, as a matter of fact. Maybe three. Three at the most. Not even my family knows.

I'm afraid to trust people because of past experiences. I want to change. I want to be a better person because I can be (and that includes meeting new people, making friends, and if I'm really lucky, a love life of some sort) but I don't know if I can.

All through my life, so-called "friends" have betrayed my trust in some form or another. I'm scared to let others in because I'm afraid of what they might do.

(Usually it takes me a few glasses of wine before I write about stuff like this but I digress…)

It's a vicious cycle.

• I make friends and lose them, then I make more friends & lose those (regardless of whose fault it is – that's irrelevant)..then I end up with nobody. I end up alone, living by myself with no form of support other than my online friends (and very few family and even fewer really understand me).
• Then, I start to feel sick of my life. I start to feel sick and tired of being alone & powerless to change my own life so I move somewhere new, thinking that the cycle won't repeat (and it inevitably does).

It is so easy for people to dish out the advice of "put it behind you and move on" but this is many years of hurt. I don't know where to begin. I don't know how to put it behind me but I do know the cycle has to be broken. It has to be broken somehow but I don't know how to do it.

I'm at the point right now where I have nobody (in the same city). My best friend abandoned me a few days ago. (that's a long story, none of it was my fault in any way & I'm not going to tell it here). I want to leave. I want to run from my problems but I know that's not going to help. I don't know what to do.

It boils down to this: Very few people take the time to really understand me. They don't give me a chance. I feel as like I'm very misunderstood because I am. I'm complicated (not that complicated) & they don't wait around to ask questions. Very few people take the time to get to know the real me (and in the past, it's because I've pushed them away without meaning to).

So I don't know what to do…

Normally, I don't believe in New Year's resolutions but this is a special case.

If I stray off the path, my friends (and they know who they are) are free to yell at me, talk sense into me, do whatever they have to. I'll understand.

These are my resolutions:

1. To myself: Keep moving forward, no matter what. Don't look back. Forget the past because it's irrelevant & it can't be changed. Many mistakes were made but the only thing that matters is now. I resolve to be the best person I can be, because I know I can be, I should be and I want to be. This really should have happened a long time ago….
2. To myself: I resolve to find something to do with my life, this year. This is a horrible rut to be in & I've almost dug myself out of it. I don't necessarily mean a love life (well, that would be nice!), just a change of pace. Work, school, something…it doesn't matter. Money isn't the issue, it's how I spend my time. I've been doing nothing because I've been too caught up in my own problems.
3. To my friends (especially those who have known me for a while): I will try to be the best friend I can be because you deserve no less. You've been putting up with my crap for this long and you deserve it. You are all wonderful and I love you all. Please don't change.

I've just learned the hard way that Rome wasn't built in a day.

I got upset about something yesterday (with the intent of standing up for what I believe in) but I was a bit misguided and didn't have all the facts before jumping to conclusions. Trying to clean up my own mess is proving to be nearly impossible but I deserve it. I have to do this myself. As the saying goes, "I've made my bed, now I'll lie in it."

It's particularly frustrating because it's one of those issues where people have rallied to the defense of the other person without knowing all the facts. Of course, that's taking sides and while they may have a right to do it, it's still not fair. I don't think they understand that they're attacking me & holding a grudge because of wrongs they've perceived I've done. It's maddening. My friends would understand that this is one of those things that really upset me, however, these particular people don't know me.

All of the wrong buttons were pressed & I went off. In the process of doing so, I've undone everything I've been trying to do. And Hyde rears his ugly head..(metaphorically speaking, though, it's really not like that). So much for trying to change myself for the better! Not only have I failed someone I've been trying to get to know (time will fix that) but more importantly, I've failed myself. I thought I could do better but I will do better. I really wish I had more friends in person..I wish I had someone here to stop me if I go off. It's one of the crosses I have to bear when I'm trying to do everything myself. Sometimes, self-improvement is a bitch…the only person who can help me is me. Nobody else.

I'm of two minds about how I'm going to deal with this… Firstly, there's no way to convince people that I really and truly mean well, that I'm really not the horribly evil person they seem to think I am – except wait it out. (Oh yeah. Sure. I'll just tell everyone that I didn't mean to go off. That'll go over well, won't it?) I want to fix everything and do right by everyone but at the same time, it's not about them. It was never about them to begin with. That's collateral damage that I have to live with. What do I do? I guess I'll just leave it for now.

I don't know..I've promised the person involved that I will do better & I will. She's entitled to feel skeptical & I totally understand that. Only time will tell…

I don't have as much free time as I used to so from this point on, my blog will be only for my own thoughts. I'll be cleaning up the blog a bit, removing posts until things are the way I want them. Thanks.